The Pain We’re Avoiding and What It’s Costing Us

I think a large percentage of adults are walking around with a load of unprocessed shame, guilt, and anger. I certainly was for a long time.

I could be wrong, and I may be projecting here, but in my experience, it's easy to make choices we'll later regret. Left unchecked, these pile up until the pain becomes too much for almost anyone to sit with.

It's much easier to be mad at ourselves and others than to practice forgiveness.

I also appreciate that many people have navigated truly awful experiences that I cannot begin to comprehend. I've never been physically or sexually abused, or attacked because of my race, gender, or religious affiliation, to name a few examples.

While some of my traumas pale in comparison to what others have experienced, I found it helpful to avoid dealing with the pain for most of my life.

What I'm about to share is an excerpt from my book, with an update at the end.

One day during meditation, I was presented with flashbacks from my childhood. I was bullied a lot growing up. In seventh grade, an entire classroom chanted, "Who do we hate? We hate Derek!"

I frequently got into trouble due to my ADHD and inability to sit still. This caused my grades to suffer, and teachers often told me I would not be successful. Most of the girls I asked out rejected me, and I was teased that I would never have a girlfriend.

My life became one big response to all my haters.

Subconsciously, I operated with an attitude that said, "Oh, you don't think I can [fill in the blank]? Watch me!" This motivation led to many wonderful things—two successful businesses, more friends than most adults, and being married to the most incredible woman on the planet!

Slowing down helped me see that my life evolved largely around proving others wrong. I'm grateful for what it gave me, but I reached a point where external validation no longer served me.

I had succeeded on other people's terms rather than my own.

Even though I no longer felt I had to prove myself, that energy persisted. If my body could speak, every morning it would say, "Who are we going to prove something to today?"

Even though I turned these negative experiences into fuel for a great life, I never forgave those kids or the teacher. I also never forgave myself for doing the things that led to me being on the receiving end of that humiliation.

I kept that shame and embarrassment hidden, which made me a ticking time bomb ready to go off on anyone who rubbed me the wrong way.

My life and how I felt in my body changed dramatically once I started forgiving them and myself. I showed compassion to my 12-year-old self and made him feel safe to appear in my life more.

My work isn't done—I still mess up daily and allow poor choices to affect how I live. However, removing my coping mechanisms prevents those choices from going unchecked for too long.

At various points, I relied on nicotine, wine, cannabis, doomscrolling, and working out to numb the pain. This pattern of using various band aids to avoid pain is something I am all too familiar with, and I’m now observing how some are relying on politics in the same way.

Aligning with a political party, and all its benefits, which include what to believe and who to direct your anger towards, can also provide someone with the temporary high they need to avoid feeling the pain inside them.

Pledging allegiance to the left or right seems to be the drug of choice for many people these days. The media you consume tells you what to believe, and if you don't question any of it, they serve up frequent access to cheap dopamine that reinforces your (their) beliefs.

It feels so good to be right, doesn't it?

As good as being right feels, it pales in comparison to the temporary euphoria you produce by getting angry at someone for having the audacity to question any aspect of your (their) playbook.

Becoming furious at someone for not believing what you believe feels incredible compared to how you would initially feel if you confronted the pain of some of the poor choices you've made. What a wonderful distraction from the hard work of creating inner peace, which could prevent you from operating with a default mode of anger and resentment!

By creating space to reflect on my programming, I could see I was living life on someone else's terms rather than my own. After I managed to unwind the stories from my childhood that no longer served me, I unlocked a new level of creativity and fulfillment. I saw new paths for my time and energy, including the motivation to finish my book. I became much happier.

I don't want to tell you how to live your life, but I'd love for you to consider taking some time to reflect on your habits and beliefs. If you find yourself sometimes falling into a political rabbit hole, how about taking a week or two off to see if your current focus is what our country—or your significant other, kids, business, and community—really needs right now?

If, like me, you do a decent job of not allowing the sound bites and algorithms to hijack your mind or central nervous system, could it be useful to explore what other coping mechanisms you may be relying on that prevent you from dealing with past shame or regrets?

I'm going to continue the radical act of focusing almost exclusively on what I have control over as my contribution to the world. The current version of me, no longer weighed down by hurt and regret, and no longer relying on substances or activities to avoid the pain, is especially qualified for this assignment.

Is it possible that the time and energy you're spending on politics is fueled by unchecked regret?

Is it possible you're getting angry at others so easily because you're carrying a lot of pain and shame inside you?

Is there anyone you need to forgive? Is there anything you need to forgive yourself for?

Would you humor me and reflect on this for a few days?

It's not going to be easy at first, but I'm here for you if you need support.

I hope sharing this inspires you to create more space in your life to explore patterns and habits that may be holding you back from your true potential.

Learning to forgive yourself and others should immediately improve how you feel and how you show up. And we'd love to see more of this healed version of you.